Friday, March 4, 2011

uncomfortable, for all the wrong reasons

our church is awesome. it's not always flowers and fireflies-- rather, you often leave there having been taken down a notch. our pastor is amazing at making you uncomfortable. uncomfortable with your own thoughts, uncomfortable with the state that the world is in, uncomfortable with your actions (or lack thereof). but always in a good way. in ways that make you want to change yourself, your actions, and even the world.

i also attend the woman's bible study on tuesday nights. i get uncomfortable there as well.
but not because i'm challenged.
not because i'm told to change the world.

because it's full of women.

doesn't make a lot of sense, right? i know. but here's where i'm at right now:
i feel like the woman to my left thinks i'm stupid, because she can answer the bible questions and i can't, but i'm older than her. or when i say something, it's the wrong answer.
i feel like the woman to my right thinks i feel like i'm better than her, because she seems to glare at me and my finished assignments while hers sits blank because she doesn't do it before "class".
i feel like my leader thinks i'm this adorable little lost sheep, who has this huge desire to learn the bible and overcome some huge obstacle from my past. but i don't have that desire, and i have no obstacle to overcome. of course, just my saying that shows that i do have an obstacle.

and the women at the other tables? they look at me funny. like my clothes don't fit right, or my hair's not done perfectly, or i don't have enough makeup on, or my bible is too big.

and because i can't get past these things, i can't concentrate on the lessons. even doing the lessons at home-- i'm so scared i'm writing the wrong answers down, that i don't even do the whole thing. because i don't want one of my tablemates noticing what an idiot i am.

the good thing is that my church makes me uncomfortable.
the bad thing is that my bible study makes me uncomfortable.

3 comments:

  1. You already know how I feel about this (thanks for letting me peek at your post early). But just know that I think this is a beautiful post. I know that sounds weird, but when I say beautiful, I'm referring to the vulnerability you show through this writing. I like seeing this. I'd like to see more.

    As for those women? Pssssssh. They don't even know you. And if they really did or really cared to get past themselves, they wouldn't look at you that way. They'd look at you with admiration, like I do.

    <3

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  2. I admire you too. And no one says you have to stay in the group. You can do the study at home on your own if you want to. It's a fight or flight situation....

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  3. Love this. I mean, I don't love that you are struggling with it, but I love that you are sharing it. Why do women have to be so hard on each other??

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